


The various hardships of a Super Omnes employee

by YourAverageFox



Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, based on the 2012 arena tour, don't take it too seriously really
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-03-17 11:51:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13658412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourAverageFox/pseuds/YourAverageFox
Summary: A collection of very short stories following the life and (mis)adventures of a young former journalist as he fights his way through his new job facing horrible bosses, angry protesters, and influential personalities of the Roman Empire.Will he manage to get by without making a fool of himself?Probably not.(Tags will be added as the story progresses)





	1. Rough beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo I've finally decided to share some of the short fics I've been keeping hidden in the folders of my laptop, because I've discovered I'm not the only person who literally creates OCs based on unnamed ensemble characters who have like two lines and then are heard no more. Which is honestly astonishing but also very nice!

Zachary glanced nervously at his watch, then raised his eyes to meet the glowing board that signaled the arrivals and departures of the various trains above him. Then back to his watch.  
A minute had passed.  
  
Nine in the morning at the Haifa train station, a train to Jerusalem which was apparently going to arrive late and a meeting -his first meeting- to attend before midday.  
Life is Hell. Or so he thought.  
  
And for a brief moment his determination, the same determination that a few months before had pushed him to seek the help of his older cousin to find him an occupation at Super Omnes, threatened to fail him. For a single, terrible moment he thought about giving up before he even started, to go back home, unload his suitcase and lock himself in his narrow office in the editorial building of the "Jewish Dream". Condemned to live an eternity of mediocre articles written for a mediocre magazine, aimed to mediocre people.  
  
But the sudden feeling of helplessness abandoned him as fast as it had arrived, incidentally at the same time in which his eyes fell on the vending machine on the side of the rails.  
Brushing off his momentary disillusion, he sauntered towards it, utterly hopeful that a bit of sweetness would only do him good and maybe cheer him up. He reached into his pockets looking for some spare coins but, finding no more than half a denarius, he resolved to open his bag to retrieve his wallet.  
  
"Romans." He muttered, inserting the coins one by one in the machine "Two denarii for a chocolate bar and they get offended if someone calls them thieves."  
  
Now, don’t let yourself be fooled by the above statement.  
Zachary was, in fact, one of the few Hebrews who actually _liked_ the Romans. Not just tolerated them to avoid being made the object of some kind of repercussion from the Empire, no, apart from the occasional complaint about something that maybe could have been handled in a better way by the authorities, he genuinely thought that the Roman domination was, for various reasons, a pure blessing. Which made him understandably unpopular with some people but also extremely popular with another kind of people.  
  
But let’s leave politics aside and return to our young man.  
The fact that that was by no means going to be his lucky day became quite apparent when the machine, fueled by some kind of  hatred towards young people who desperately needed sugar to deal with whatever their life had decided to afflict them with and needed it quick, refused to deliver, even after the buttons were pushed  two or three times.  
Zachary frowned. Which is to say, kept his usual expression nearly unchanged.  
After hesitating for a bit, he shrugged and produced another handful of coins from his wallet and inserted another three.    
Still, the machine stood silent and motionless, as if it was  purposefully making fun of him.  
"Oh, come on!" He whined and in that, same moment, the automatic voice announced the arrival of his train, followed by the loud noise made by the train itself on the railroad.   
  
He waisted another few minutes desperately trying to get his so needed chocolate bar or, at least, to get his coins back.  
Conflicted for a moment, he eventually decided to leave -not without a little regret- the money in the vending machine in favour of catching his train.  
He jumped on just a second before it was too late, still grieving about the loss of five and a half denarii.

  
The journey from Haifa to Jerusalem was approximately two hours long which became two and a half when the train decided to stop halfway for some unknown reason.   
After the vending machine failure, he reasoned that there was a little probability that  every mechanical object in his proximity was deliberately malfunctioning in the attempt to send him a message. What kind of message it would be, however, he wasn’t exactly sure he wanted to know.  
Eventually, he decided to put on his headphones, close his eyes and do his best to ignore it.

  
When his feet finally touched the ground again, Zachary didn’t even need to look at his watch to know he would have to run faster than he had ever done in his whole life.  
The fact that he was already sweating, be it for the incredibly hot summer air or for the agitation, didn’t help.  
He made a brief stop at the hotel, his temporary lodging before he found himself a flat near the offices, just to drop off his suitcase. He didn’t even think about unloading it, before he left again.  
Luckily, the entrance of the subway was not that far from the hotel and he managed to arrive at the station in time to witness the departure of a train.  
  
"Damn it!" he cursed under his breath, looking at the timetables. Five minutes before the next train.  
  
The sudden noise of the ringtone of his cellphone almost made him jump.  
A number he knew well accompanied by a picture of his cousin, Lester, appeared on the display. He picked up the call.  
  
"Oh, hi Les! Is there something wrong?"  
  
A familiar and to his despair less condescending voice than he had hoped for answered him from the other side of the line.  
  
"Where are you?! The meeting is starting in ten minutes!"  
  
Zachary didn’t even need to glance at his watch to realize what he was. Screwed. He was utterly screwed.  
"I’m waiting for the subway train." And before Lester could make any complaint, he allowed himself a little lie. "I mean, I’m already on the subway train. I’ll be there in five minutes. Promise."  
  
"You’ll make a fool of both of us if you arrive late on your first day of work, do you need me to remind you that?"  
  
"Yes, yes, I know!" He managed to answer, stumbling inside the train that, thank God, had just arrived. "By the way, is the boss already there?"  
  
"Not yet. But you’d better hurry if you want to arrive before Annas does. Otherwise…Well, let’s say that you will regret it. He takes punctuality very seriously, you know."  
  
Zachary shuddered as he ended the call. He had heard stories about Annas Ben Seth, one more worrying than the other, and worst of all, he didn’t exactly know if to belive them or not. One thing his cousin assured him, however, was that he was expecially awful with newcomers.  
He tried not to think about it while he looked, unsuccessfully, for a free seat and was therefore forced to stand up on his feet.  
  
The ride to the center of the city lasted no more than a few minutes, but each second seemed an eternity to him. He kept checking his watch and his phone alternatively, stopping from time to time to tighten the knot of his tie and smooth the folds of his jacket until the train arrived at the station.  
As soon as the automatic doors opened, he made a dash for the exit, running over an elderly couple on his way, dismissing with a hasty -and probably rude- gesture a man who dared to ask him for help with his luggage and almost tripping on the steps that led him outside.   
  
He was out of breath when the huge office building labelled “SUPER OMNES” came into view.  
He allowed himself a sigh of relief only when, having greeted the receptionist with what could hardly be called a polite smile and climbed in a hurry the stairs that lead to the first floor, saw the the meeting room still empty except for a few employees who spared him a worried look and Lester, who apparently had waited for him on the doorway.  
"I’m here!" He announced. Or rather, he _tried_ to announce, but what came out of his mouth was more similar to a ragged gasp than a comprehensible sentence.  
  
"Only two minutes late." Remarked his cousin, arms crossed to his chest and a look that could only be described as disapproving. "You ran all the way from the subway station, didn’t you?"  
  
Zachary, still regaining the ability to speak and stand upright with some difficulty, just nodded.  
When he finally managed to breathe freely again, he bursted into laughter, releasing the tension that had coiled on his stomach since that morning.  
The knot of his tie was somewhat loose around his neck in spite of his efforts, is hair was ruffled and his feet hurt like hell, but nothing now could spoil his triumph.  
  
"To Hell with it! I did it!" He exclamed, in an uncontrollable manifestation of joy. "And you know what? Mr. Ben Seth can shove his obsession with punctuality up his–"  
  
He suddenly heard someone behind him clearing his throat. He froze.  
When Zachary turned around, he found himself confronted by two men.  
The taller one was looking at him with a look of curiosity mixed with what could very well be mild amusement on his face; the shorter one, however, was staring at him in what he later would have dubbed “The Death Stare”.  
  
"It seems like we have hired a very funny guy, don’t you think Caiaphas?"

_That’s it_ he thought, unable to do anything else besides putting on an awfully embarrassed smile _I’m going to die. On my first day of work. Good job, Zach._


	2. The Flier Incident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is set probably something like a few months after the previous one.  
> I borrowed Jeremy from the Sin Squad as I didn't have a name and personality for that specific character yet, so all rights reserved to them I guess ahah  
> (Also you'll probably see more of him in future updates)

"I'm sorry sir, can I leave you this flier?"

Zachary blinked once. Then twice.  
He even thought about rubbing his eyes, but something told him that the man in a purple plaid shirt who was currently offering him a flier with a bright smile on his face was not an hallucination produced by his overworked mind. 

It was pretty clear that the young protester had not recognized him as part of that same establishment he and his group of misfits were working so hard to dismantle, or else he would have already started spitting insults at him, maybe even trying to drag him into a fight or something. He admittedly didn't have much experience in the matter.

What should a law abiding citizen have done, in a situation like this? Snatch the flier out of his hand and hurry away pretending to have urgent matters to attend to and then throw it away at the first occasion? Politely accept it pretending to be genuinely interested in joining the cause then throw it away anyway? Summon the Roman Police to arrest someone who, after all, had to be a dangerous anarchist, even if he didn't really look _that_ threatening at the moment? But then again, would he have been able to defend himself from an angry protester until the guards arrived?

Even worse, his usual course of action when he was unsure of what to do, which was asking himself what would his boss would have done if he had been in his place, couldn't possibly work in that context. No little naive protester would have been so brave to approach someone like Joseph Caiaphas all alone without his friends backing him up. Hell, even he was afraid to approach him sometimes!

An inch away from panicking, he realized that he had been standing there without saying a word for what felt like entire minutes and the young man in front of him was probably wondering about his mental sanity by then.

"Sure, thanks!" He said, deciding to accept the damn flier. Then, sensing his reaction to be a bit weak, he added: "This sounds...uh, pretty interesting."

The stranger's eyes suddenly lit up with excitement.

"It is! Would you like to know more?"

_No,_ was what he meant to say, but for some unknown reason his mouth was quicker than his thoughts and what he ended up answering was dreadfully similar to:

"Yes, I mean, why not."

As soon as he heard himself utter those words, he felt the strong urge to slam his head against the nearest wall. An urge he managed to overcome only because the young man, now looking like a child who had just been given a pack of sweets, had already grabbed him by the arm and was trying to take him somewhere he probably didn't want to go.

"Come with me, then! We have plenty of place for everyone who wishes to support our cause!"

"I really appreciate your offer but I...I really should get something to eat, you see."

It wasn't even an excuse. He _really_ needed to eat something after having spent the evening working through mountains of paperwork with hardly the time for a coffee break. It was the reason why, going against any common sense he could have left, he had decided to leave his flat and have a quick walk to the nearest convenience store. Apparently, fate had other plans for him. Plans in the form of a plaid shirt wearing protester who didn't seem to be able to understand the "I don't really have time for this nonsense"  implied in his words.

Exhausted as he was, it was all too easy for the young stranger to take advantage of the situation and drag him along. 

"That's no problem! We have food for everyone at the camp!"

_Oh, they have a camp! How fucking Lovely!_  
At this stage, Zachary was way tired to further try to fight against the man's unyielding insistence, and begrudgingly decided to accept his fate. 

That's how he ended up sitting beside an improvised fireplace with a likewise improvised sandwich in his hands, surrounded by what looked like dozens of men and women, most of them younger than him, all dressed in colourful punk-ish attire cheerfully passing around food and drinks. With his dark trousers and grey shirt he felt a little out of place, but really, that was the least of his problems.

Being the "new guy", he obviously received a lot of unwanted attention and less than half an hour later he had already blurted out more lies than he had ever had in his entire life. He had claimed to have been born there in Jerusalem (he had not), to work as a journalist (which was, admittedly, only half a lie since that had been his former job until a few months before) and to hate the Romans with all his heart and soul (actually, he was on pretty good terms with some of them). He couldn't help but feel a little proud of himself for his newfound dissimulation skills.

His only regret was not having been quick enough to choose a false name when the man who had been the unwitting source of all his problems (who Zachary now knew is called Peter) had urged him to introduce himself to the whole gang, so now everyone knew him as "Zach". His only hope was to  be confused with the hundreds of other Zachs that probably lived in Jerusalem.

Even worse, repeated invasion of other people's personal space seemed to be an important part of the group's belief, and Zachary found himself nearly jumping every single time a stranger rested his hand on his shoulder, patted his back as a form of greeting, or even tried to hug him for no apparent reason. 

But nothing, he decided after a while, could compare to the moment in which an enthusiastic blond guy decided to show him his impressive collection of molotov cocktails and various other objects that could potentially be used to set fire to a good half of the city, proudly referring to them as "beneficial weapons". That's when his sanity started to dangerously falter. He needed to get out from there.

It was past midnight when he finally managed to disentangle himself from that utterly absurd situation and walk away, loud cheers and voices asking him to come around more often still ringing in his ears.  
Making his way back home, he tried to convince himself to be at least a little bit sorry for all those people who so naively believed to have met someone as passionate as them about their cause. But it didn't work very well.

  
Weeks followed one another, more or less uneventful, and Zachary almost forgot everything about what he and his cousin, the only person he had felt was safe to tell his little misadventure to, now called "the flier incident". Weeks during which the protests had spread all throughout the city and seemed to gain more and more support with every passing hour.

It was when he least expected it, making his way back to the office  after lunch break and surrounded by a small group of his co-workers,  that he heard a voice he had so vehemently hoped to never hear again.

"Zach? Is that you?"

As soon as he turned around, there he was with a puzzled expression painted on his face and an equally confused woman by his side.  
What was his name again? Paul? Peter?  
Zachary's mind went through all five stages of grief as he desperately tried to come up with a convincing answer that will hopefully turn away the protester and at the same time not arouse the suspicion of his colleagues.

"Er...do I know you?"

He was painfully aware of how all the eyes of his co-workers, and probably those of a good number of passers-by, were on him. He thought he hard someone asking him something and he couldn't have been more grateful to Lester, who chimed in with a quick answer before he could do further damage by responding with a poorly-thought-out excuse.

Peter crossed the street with a look of pure determination on his face and came to a halt only when they were only a few inches apart. So close that Zachary could have seen the anger and betrayal reflected in his eyes, if he had been less focused on finding a way out before something really bad could happen. Such as an angry mob coming out of nowhere to murder him on the spot. Or his superiors finding out about the incident and firing him for suspcted treason.

"I can't believe you have always been one of them!" The young protester looked like he was about to cry. Or to punch him in the face. Zachary couldn't decide which of the two options would have been the worst. "You spied on us!"

"You probably won't believe me, but can I assure you that it was unintentional."

"You're a liar!"

Zachary almost laughed at the thought of how unbelievable the scene would have looked from an outsider's point of view. He _would_ most certainly laugh when recalling his misadventure in the future. If he made it out unharmed and still with a safe salary to pay his rent with, that is.   
Just as the tension reached its peak and Peter seemed to be ready to jump at him, the woman who had been standing by his side a few minutes earlier got between them.

"Come, Peter! You'll end up getting arrested and it's not worth it!" She cried.

It took a bit of struggling, but she finally managed to persuade him to walk away with her. But not before Peter could spare him one last glance of pure hatred.

In the blink of an eye everything was over and Zachary was left to stand there, on the edge of the sidewalk, staring towards the busy streets with the animated chatter of his colleagues in the background.

"So what was that all about?" Asked Jeremy after a short while, looking at him with the air of someone who was genuinely impressed with what he had just witnessed. "Did you really infiltrate among The Twelve? How did you do that?"

Zachary offered him the smile of someone who would very much rather not delve into details.

"I'm sorry, but that's restricted information." He joked. "We all have our secrets, you know."

Lester nodded solemnly in agreement and Zachary made a mental note to really buy him something nice in the near future as a thank you of sorts. He didn't want to think about where he would have been, now, without his cousin always backing him up.  
Jeremy, for his part, seemed to consider it for a moment before accepting the mystery as it was, as they started to walk back towards the office building.


	3. No use crying over spilled coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zach's week starts in the worst possible way when he gets run over by a jogging enthusiast. It improves a little when, a few days later, he is unexpectedly offered a part-time job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, here I am again with some OC madness.  
> Hope you enjoy the silliness!

Like every single child living on Earth, Zachary had been relentlessly reminded to look both ways before crossing a road ever since he was a kid, if he didn't want to face the danger of a painful and untimely death. What no one had ever warned him about, however, was looking both ways before crossing _a sidewalk_  to avoid being literally run over by a jogging enthusiast. 

"Shit shit shit shit!" he repeated as some kind of mantra, as he tried in vain to catch his cup of coffee mid air before it fell right onto the sidewalk spilling its contents everywhere. Luckily, he was fast enough to take a couple of steps back, managing at least to save his polished shoes from the dark liquid dripping from the plastic cup. 

Only then did he look up to meet the eyes of a very mortified man in a white t-shirt and sweatpants, in spite of the chilly morning breeze. If his first instinct had been to shout the most creative curse words he knew at him, his anger started to subside as he realized that the stranger looked genuinely sorry for his small loss, which was further proved by the apologetic tone in which he spoke. 

"I'm so very sorry! I can buy you another one if you like." 

Zachary furrowed his brows and eyed the man with suspicion. That was new.  

Ever since he had set foot on the paved streets of the glorious city of Jerusalem, he had met all kinds of people, but the greater part were individuals who probably would have no regrets in straight up pushing someone on the tracks just to be the first to hop on the subway train and have a better chance at finding an empty seat. In hindsight, it was almost scary to consider how easily he had gotten used to it, to the point of being instinctively wary of someone who showed him the smallest bit of kindness. 

He took a deep breath and persuaded himself to be lenient, for once. 

"It's alright." He said, doing his best to offer the other man a sincere smile. "I didn't see _you_  so we're even, I guess." 

The stranger, however, didn't look so inclined to forget the incident without having first found a way to make amends for the small incident he had caused. 

"The least i can do is offer you another one, I mean it." He insisted. "I've almost finished my workout routine, anyway, so I can keep you company. If you want me to, that is." 

It took Zachary a short while to consider the pros and cons of the unexpected offer and then, after mentally slapping himself for having almost refused to have a coffee with a nice and also very good looking man, he accepted. 

**** 

"So you're a Roman." He began as soon as they were both sitting  at a small table, judging it to be the most harmless and hopefully less awkward way to start a conversation.   
The man chuckled before taking a sip of his tea.  

"Is it so obvious?" 

Zachary shrugged.    
"Pronunciation is good. The accent needs to be worked on, though." Then, feeling a little more confident, he dared to add: "I could give you a few lessons, if you asked." 

This time, the man let out a heartfelt laugh and Zachary couldn't help but stare at him in utter amazement.    
"Who knows, I may even decide to take up your offer!" 

It was the first time, or at least the first he could remember, that a complete stranger made such a good impression on him, spilled coffee aside.   
    
After a short time, he found himself slipping all too easily in a long conversation about himself, and his job, and his family back home and before he could even realize it, he had literally  account of his life to the man sitting in front of him, who appeared to be sincerely interested in what he had to say, and kept asking him personal questions to which Zachary was all too happy to answer. 

It was a nice change for someone who was so used to think at a hundred miles per second, constantly processing data about the current situation and coming up with multiple plans to make up for every possible mistake he was probably going to make. If he had to be honest with himself, he didn't even remember the last time he had decided to sit down, take some time for himself, maybe even enjoy a hot drink while chatting aimlessly with someone. 

Alas, all things bad and good are eventually destined to come to an end, and that  was no    
exception to the rule.   
All it took was a phone call about some kind of emergency that required the man's presence, and he was already gone, not before having  waved him goodbye with one last, warm smile. 

Suddenly there was only Zachary and the by now cold coffee he had completely forgotten to drink. But, he realized, there was _another_  important thing he had forgotten to do.   
He hadn't asked his name. 

**** 

Being summoned to his boss' office without prior notice nor explanation was always, without exceptions, a terrifying experience. It was one of the few things on which Zachary the rest of his co-workers all agreed upon, anyway. 

"You have an appointment with the head of the Roman court tomorrow. He asked me if I could lend him one of my employees for a few hours a month to work as his personal assistant." 

Was the first thing Annas told him, as soon as he entered the room.   
Taken aback, Zachary wasn't able to hide his surprise, but before he was able to ask for further explanations, he was interrupted by his boss. 

"Don't look at me like that, I was surprised too." he went on, not even bothering to fight back the little sneer which formed at the corner of his mouth "He explicitly requested to speak with you, for some reason." 

He then proceeded to hand him a small business card with an unmistakably Roman name printed in elegant characters on its front, and an address scribbled on the back.  

"You'll be meeting him at nine in the morning." Then he paused, seemingly considering before returning his attention to him. "And another thing..." 

"Yes?" 

Annas stared at him, his eyes narrowed, for a long uncomfortable while before he said:   
"Don't fuck up." 

Zachary swallowed hard and nodded. 

"Yes, sir. Of course, sir." 

**** 

It turned out that the location of the meeting was not, as he had imagined, an office building in the centre of the city or a conference room located inside the court itself but a huge private house in the outskirts of Jerusalem.   
Actually, "huge" didn't even begin to describe it. It was a two-story building complete with big windows, a rather large garden and, he suspected, probably a swimming pool in the backyard. Saying that Zachary was a bit intimidated would have been an understatement.   
He adjusted his tie and checked the address one last time, before gathering enough courage to ring the doorbell. Before he could even realize it, he was ushered inside by a sharply dressed woman who led him through three different corridors, until she finally stopped before a closed door. 

"Pilate is waiting for you inside." 

Zachary thanked her with a polite nod, took a deep breath an knocked.   
_Alright Zach, don't fuck up_  he silently reminded himself, as he opened the door and stepped inside. He was so focused on putting on a confident attitude, remembering to keep his back straight and a thousand other things, that it took him a minute too much to realize that the person who seemingly offered him a job out of nowhere wasn't actually a complete stranger.   
Sitting at the other side of the desk was none other than I'm-so-sorry-I-made-you-spill-your-coffee-can-I-offer-you-another-one guy.   
Admittedly, the man had traded his jogging attire for a more appropriate suit and tie for the occasion, but it was still not much of an excuse to justify Zachary's dumbstruck expression and his subsequent terrible choice of words. 

"Have we...met before?" 

He was aware of how painfully stupid his words would have sounded, but his brain had been too busy processing the fact that _he had had a coffee with one of the most influential personalities in Jerusalem and he hadn't even realized it._  Then, his brain shifted into gear and the second thought that came to his mind was that _he had almost insulted one of the most influential personalities in Jerusalem and he hadn't even realized it._   
Luckily, the other man looked quite amused by his reaction. 

"Indeed we have. Sorry for...well, all of this, I just wanted it to be a small surprise. I had in mind to hire an assistant for quite some time and I thought I might as well choose someone who has at least already proven to be good company. Not to mention the fact that you're a very dedicated employee, according to both of your bosses." 

Zachary didn't know if the most unexpected surprise was a the most renowned judge of the Roman court a being a jogging and health enthusiast or his superiors having actually praised him for his work. 

"It's a simple job, really. But the choice is yours, of course." 

"I'd be very honoured to accept your offer, sir!" He exclaimed right away, maybe with a little too much enthusiasm, as the other man let out an amused chuckle, before gesturing him to take a seat.   
Zachary complied. 

"Shall we start discussing your duties, then?" 

As unbelievable as it was, maybe his work life had started to move in the right direction.    
Just maybe. 


	4. Dog eats dog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zachary tries to assert dominance on the new intern by pulling a vicious prank on him. Needless to say, it doesn't go as well as he expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at me turning a very serious and tragic musical into shameless comedy starring my disaster OC.

It wasn't like Zachary hated Jeremy.

It was more like he despised everything he stood for; namely the entire concept of "intern", which somehow had the supernatural power to deter their superiors from being too harsh with him, even refraining from punishing him for his shortcomings, despite he and Zachary having roughly the same age and experience working for the company.

Since he had caught wind of the arrival of a new intern from one of the subsidiaries, Zachary had considered it an unexpected yet very welcome change of fortune. Hopefully, his superiors would finally _have someone else_ to torment and lash out at.

His dreams, however, had shattered as soon as he realised that not only the new guy was able to carry out most of his tasks despite not having a clue of what was happening around him most of the time, but every mistake he made was dismissed with barely more than a shrug or a not really convincing "Try to be more careful next time, alright?"

And so Zachary had started watching him, observing from afar every single one of his moves in the not so secret hopes of discovering some despicable secret about Mr. New Guy that he could use to his own advantage.

He could almost see himself praised and commended by his superiors for having reported that the man posing as a harmless intern was actually an undercover spy sent by a rival company to steal their secrets or, even better, an anarchist in disguise looking for a way to bring down the establishment from the inside.

But, as it usually is, the truth of the matter was pretty underwhelming.  
After weeks of careful investigation, everything pointed towards the conclusion that Jeremy was, in fact, actually an intern and the enthusiasm with which he desperately tried to fit in among his new co-workers was genuine. Genuine and completely baffling, for what Zachary was concerned.

When he found himself dismissing with a small, nervous laugh the umpteenth teasing remark about him being jealous of the new employee, Zachary decided that he had had enough.

He couldn't keep on living in the shadow of Jeremy The Intern for the rest of his career.  
He needed to do something about it.

****

Finding a way to discredit his rival in front of their bosses soon proved to be more easily said than done.

More often than not, Zachary just ended up complaining aimlessly about his miserable, utterly unfair situation to anyone willing to listen to him. Or at least willing to pretend to be interested in his endless mutterings.

That day, the task had fallen on his part-time employer, as they started chatting while sorting through documents about recently closed cases.

"And he has _sideburns_!"

"Clearly a sign of a devious mind." Remarked the older man, smiling up at him before focusing his attention back to his paperwork.

"Hey, I'm serious! Everyone seems to like him for some reason, and it's not like I can-- Wait." Zachary stopped talking all of a sudden. His eyes widened as he stared at the wall in front of him as if he had just had a revelation of unfathomable importance. "I have an idea."

Pilate offered him a worried look from behind the thin lenses of his reading glasses.

"I suppose there is nothing I can say to discourage you from doing whatever you just thought about, right?"

In any other circumstance, Zachary would have surely stopped dead in his tracks to consider how pleasantly surprising it was that the other man seemed to already know him so well despite having worked together for little more than a couple of months. And, maybe, he would have even taken some time to pay attention to the little warm feeling he felt in his chest at the realisation that Pilate seemed to really worry about him.

In that precise moment, however, he was so busy silently congratulating with himself for his extraordinary idea, so excited at the thought of obtaining his sweet, sweet revenge on his oblivious rival, that he hardly noticed the hint of fondness in his employer's voice.

"You're absolutely right. Nothing you can say or do, I'm sorry."

"Don't be." The other sighed, handing him a folder. "Just try to be careful. Good assistants don't grow on trees."

"Oh, it's nothing dangerous." Zachary grinned as he quickly leafed through the pages, then placed the folder on the neat pile of documents he had assembled at the far side of the desk. "But it's the best idea I've ever had!"

****

It was definitely not the best idea he had ever had.

For one, the preparation took up way more time and thought that he had expected. Which, all things considered, should have given him enough time to rethink his life decisions and relize that maybe, just maybe placing fake evidence of years of tax evasion on his co-worker's desk and alerting the police via anonymous call wasn't the best way to settle their one-sided rivalry.

Unfortunately, not only Zachary was an expert in ignoring that little voice in his head commonly known as common sense, but was even extremely pleased by the results.  
And yes, it was indeed true that you could find a tutorial for basically everything if you scouted the internet long enough.

"You've been smiling all morning." Lester remarked, as soon as he noticed him lounging in the break room. "What happened?"

Zachary stretched on his seat, taking his time before granting his cousin a proper answer.

"What, am I not allowed to smile?"

"Well, since your default facial expression is a permanent frown you have to admit it's a bit unusual."

"Wow, rude." Zachary huffed. Yet, nothing seemed capable of ruining his mood that day.

"So," The Lester sighed, sitting down at the opposite side of the table. "You're gonna tell me what happened or...?"

"Jeremy was taken away by the police this morning. Something like tax evasion, I'm not sure. It was quite entertaining to watch."

"Why do I have the feeling that you've got something to do with it?"

Zachary made a show of shaking his head and looking very confused. The impression was somewhat ruined by the smile he couldn't manage to hide, no matter how hard he tried.

"I have no idea of what you're talking about, dear cousin!"

  
****

It took almost one week, during which Jeremy was /unfortunately/ released from police custody on account of the scarce reliability of the evidence, before he discovered that indeed his victim had the full intention of fighting back. And in a very dishonest fashion, at that.

It was Friday when Zachary arrived at work to find all of his colleagues casting uncertain glances in his direction, as if they were keeping something from him. It only got worse as he realised he could almost feel their eyes upon him, apparently worried for some indiscernible reasons, as he made his way through the corridors.

He understood what it was all about in the moment he walked through the door of his small office.

Every single object on his desk was completely encased in ananas flavoured jelly.

He stood petrified on the doorway, horror painted on his face, as he distinctly felt a mental breakdown approaching at considerable speed. The sickening yellowish colour of the jelly was enough to make his stomach turn and make him wonder how in the world the bastard responsible for that mess managed to pick the only flavour that made him want to throw up.

To add insult to injury, it was at that precise moment that Annas walked up to him with a pile of papers. He took a quick glance inside the room and, without as much as a word, handed Zachary a folder with a look that could only be described as extremely disapproving.

Zachary swallowed, keeping the folder close to his chest as if it was a shield that could help him repress the horrible feeling of sickness that had already started to assault his poor stomach.

"Come on, Zach. You can do it."

He whispered to himself before he stepped inside.

  
****

To be fair, Zachary had never meant to start a prank war. Which didn't mean he wasn't enjoying it more than he would have ever thought.

The face Jeremy made when the sugar he had put in his coffee turned out to be salt /almost/ paid off for his ananas-filled nightmares (Zachary had yet to find the mysterious accomplice who had told him about his hatred for that horrible fruit), not to mention how terribly satisfying it had been to watch him walk straight into the transparent tape he had placed all over the entrance of the elevator.

His colleague's dedication in responding to each prank with an even more elaborate one made him feel a little less guilty about being so hostile towards him. At least the sentiment was mutual.

Their little domestic war, however, ended abruptly one Monday morning.

And it ended with Caiaphas summoning them both in his office and advising them to, to quote his speech directly, "don't even think about going back to work before having learned to behave like adults". Before letting them go, he added a rather ominous "or else" without really explaining what dreadful fate would befall upon them if they failed to comply, but Zachary wasn't really keen on finding out. Neither was Jeremy, judging by the mildly concerned expression painted on his face.

"Sooo..." Zachary began after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence as they slowly walked back to their respective offices. "I feel like I should take the responsibility for having started...well, all of this. But I must admit I wasn't expecting you to fight back."

Jeremy, hands shoved in the pockets of his long coat, just shrugged.

"Yeah, at first I didn't think I was going to either. But then I thought it would help me to fit in so I just played along."

Zachary stared at him.

"Sorry, you what?"

At that point Jeremy chuckled, leaving Zachary even more confused than he already was. The thought that the man was playing yet another joke on him crossed his mind for a brief moment, but nothing indicated that his co-worker was something other than dead serious.

"I mean, I know all big companies have strange rituals for welcoming newcomers. Who am I to complain about a few harmless pranks?"

_Harmless?! I almost got you arrested!_  
Zachary was momentarily at a loss for words, which gave Jeremy the opportunity to speak again, not before letting out a small sigh.

"Well, I really need to sort out some paperwork, so how about we shake hands and we call it a day?"

As he came back to himself from his state of complete disbelief, Zachary did his best to mimic the other man's eagerness in and he took the hand that was offered to him and shook it with a bit too much force.

"Yes, of course! No hard feelings!"

"Good. I'm not going to lie, it was fun until it lasted but I'm glad it's over now." Jeremy waved briefly before turning his back to him. "See you around then!"

Oh, it wasn't over. Not by a long shot.  
Zachary fought a smirk as he watched his co-worker walk down the busy corridor. He couldn't wait to see his face when he discovered that every surface of his office had been covered in pictures of King Herod.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The joke is that no one in-universe likes King Herod. I mean, can you blame them?


End file.
